Updated: Dec 4, 2020
We have all heard by know that the number 1 reason for divorce in the United States is finance! Why is that? Well, let’s deep dive into it, and peele the layers
Why are divorce rates at a sky high?
Could it be the famous “the Conscious Uncoupling”?
Well money matterz play a large component if not he number 1 factor in the “D” word… Divorce!
01:30 I have personally seen the financial miscommunication happen over and over, and let me tell you... the struggle is real.
Wouldn’t a simple fixer-roo to this madness be held by communication? Compassion and honesty?
01:47 Well if it was that easy, Finance wouldn’t be named as the number on cause for couple splits.
Do you agree with me that in order to change the world, or make the world a better place, the change must occur in us first?
Looking at our current world, society, it is really the making of us.
It is our conditioning that is extended to our family, friends, universe, world and energy.
02:19 Miguel de Cervantes said it best: "Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn"
Now, taking finance and money, wouldn’t be prudent to have the conversation with ourselves first, before communicating our needs and wants with our partner?
02:36 Well, if we really want to understand our current money situationship, we need to dive deep into the world of the inner-child. Yes, childhood.
02:47 Here are a few pondering questions to get started:
How were you raised around money?
Was it taboo to talk about in your family growing up?
How did you see your parents spend money?
Who was the provider in your family?
Which parent did you take to more growing up?
Who in your opinion was the saver and/ or spender in your family?
Did your parents have the same spending habits?
Which habits did you pick up on growing up that you can identify as your current spending habit?
03:26 All these questions steam from really understanding ourselves, but in order to do that, we must tap into the past so that we can outline the good and not so good habits we picked up on from our environment as a child.
Growing up, In our family, my father was the money maker and my mom was definitely the spender.
Mom took care of the household, needs, staff, food, etc…
My father on the other hand, took care of all the money matterz, bills, growing businesses, travel plans, etc...
And, money wasn't discussed in our family.
It wasn’t because it was taboo to bring it up, but it was assumed my parents had everything under control and as children - no need to worry.
04:13 So fast forward… this leads us to today… as a working adults, with big dreams and leaving behind a history of money management and lack thereof.
So the question is how can we financially be savvy if we have no good role-model to mentor us?
Or learn to communicate effectively?
How can we have a healthy relationship with our money if we have made some bad choices in the past/ and possibly still do?
04:43 How can we change the timidity around money to have an open relationship discussing issues with our girlfriends, are parents, and even our partners.
So the buck stops here — this is where we need to make a “conscious decision” together to teach our children, our friends, our community, and our family "the truth about money".
05:07 Ok, but how do we know if we should invest, save, spend not spend, or stash the cash underneath the mattress??
05:17 Furthermore, unfortunately basic personal finance is less likely to be taught in school or in most household.
Therefore, we must take charge and turn the old into the new, and educate ourselves and each other.
It starts with us - In the age of information, knowledge is a choice. Decide today if you are a passenger or driver of your financial life.
05:41Surprisingly, if finance is the number one cause for divorce, then in order to understand each other, we must understand ourselves first.
05:53 Today, I am challenging you, to take control of your financial life otherwise it will control you.
Know your money habits in/out… You can ask yourself these fundamental questions to guide you, and write them out in your money journal.
Do you care about money?
What does money represent to you?
What did you learn about money?
How does money make you feel? Safe? Secure? Pleasures?
If you could do anything with money what would it be?
How were you raised around money?
What habits have you picked up along the way, where are able to do better?
What habits have you picked up that are beneficial towards your money matterz?
Do you save?
What is your savings plan for the next 90 days? 12 months? 3 years? 5 years? And 10 years?
What are things that matter to you save for?
07:15 Now, once you have ironed out your personal money matterz and really pinned down your story around money, you can now approach your partner with the same questions.
The most effective strategy, when talking your partner about money, is knowing your core money values yourself first, then engaging with your partner to share theirs.
07:37 Marrying the right person, could affect you financially, as without proper open conversation in all money matterz, you risk loosing your partner to the number on causes for divorce! Money!
07:50 Here is an example why taking to your partner on money matterz is important.
Let’s say, you and your partner, have a different mindset in terms of money.
08:02 Here is an example: one partner always is saving, putting money away, only spending money on what they need not want…
that money mindset could be operating from a place of scarcity… you know that feeling when you never feel you have enough?
As soon as you get some money in, it goes out immediately to an unexpected bill? Money scarcity will always make you feel you are living in a place of lack.
08:29 So being able to identify that is very important.
So let’s say the other partner, has the mentality of "plenty to go around", and even if they loose their job or made a poor money choice, they are confident they will figure out a way to make those money troubles go away.
08:47 These types of personalities, are known to have an abundant mindset… always feeling and knowing they have enough, and plenty to go around.
So you see, if you don’t have the conversation with your partner at a basic level, you risk to find yourself an opposite money mindset from yours, and could impact you financially.
09:09 This is one of the most argued about topics in relationships.
He spends too much on going out to eat, she spends too much on makeup and clothes, he spends too much on this and that…and so on… you get my point.
Of course you are going to think your partner spends too much if you have a scarcity mindset.
Similar to an abundant mindset, as you may find that your partner can be too frugal or even come across as cheap.
09:35 So It is important to remember here, that there is no such thing as right or wrong - and the key is simply acknowledging your money mindset so that you can align yourself with the right partner.
09:48 And really understanding why behind it… being curious on why would your partner is operating from a place of scarcity or a place of abundance? What was the thing that challenging that made them this certain way.
Really getting to know your partner and where they operate from is truly a powerful place to be.
My grandmother growing up had a scarcity mindset, meaning she saved every single Pennie, and worked very hard, and took care of foster kids growing up, that she even received a medal from the State of New York for her foster care services. But she has an abundant heart, and very giving women, and because she came from Lithuania, during the war, and grew up in poverty.
She valued money as so sacred, and kept every single Pennie, and was so generous with others yet very frugal for herself. She lived a simple life.
Made me realize and understand her at a core level, so buying her a very expensive gift, wouldn’t really touch her at a core level, however if I did an act of service it would run deep with my grandmother.
Again there is no right and wrong, and really about getting to know your partner.
11:39 When having the conversation with your partner, meet them where they are.
Remember to come together and have the conversation as a unit. This is hard for most folks, I know, as you have to remember that you both can and will solve the issue together and not make the problem part of you.
12:00 Create a culture with your partner, where they want to be heard. Creating a safe space for your partner will encourage them to come forward with you more often and trust that you can hold the space for them to be honest and vulnerable with you.
12:17 A good piece of advise is to be very careful who you take advise from. Unless they are professional money coach, accountant, or financial advisor, please do your homework.
In all things if we want to see long-term goals and positive changes, we must be consistent.
Consistency is key when developing a healthy relationship with your money.
12:39 The goal is to have the courageous conversation around money matterz with your partner is to allow for personal growth as well as the connection to deepen in your relationship.
The more open you are with your money goals and needs with yourself, the more attractive and confident you will feel, making your partner desire you at a deeper level.
13:00 A great way to keep your money conversation spicy with your partner, ask questions from a curious place not from a derogatory place.
13:10 Think about this for a second, when we come from a curious place, we allow the conversation to flow freely. So ask “Why” - The”Why is curiosity and the oyster of life itself.
So dig and dive deep in understanding your partner and yourself without judgement shame or guilt. Simply a conversation… a stroll in the park without any hidden agenda’s or expectation. Simply to get to know yourself and your partner better.
13:41 Another great connection tool for financial relationship coaching is, pick a 5 to 10 money goals together to achieve, and check-in weekly to build a habit.